200 things I am not allowed to do list
by the midnight stalker
Summary: the list of things that will apper in my other story at some point feel free to add any that you think off but is not on here


50 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colours indicate that they are "covered in bees".

No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

I will not go to class skyclad.

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.

"Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."

It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."

I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".

I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".

I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

I am not a tribble Animagus.

I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

I do not weigh the same as a duck.

Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

Sirius Black is not #24601.

I will not lick Trevor.

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

I am not being repressed.

Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.

I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

I am not a Pinball Wizard.

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".

I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

I am not allowed to refer to pickled newt's brain as 'Snape Food'.

2- The same rule applies to bad dung.

I may not chase Seamus Finnegan around school in search of his 'Pot o' Gold'.

Nor am I allowed to tell people he's a leprechaun on steroids.

I may not question the Hufflepuff's loyalty.

I am not allowed to purposefully charm Filch's underwear into a wedgie.

Nor am I allowed to do it 'by accident'.

I am not allowed to yodel during important parts of Dumbledore's speech.

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason. I may not tell First Years that there is a party down there.

10- Especially when there isn't.

I may not refer to Sirius Black as 'Seriously Black'.

Just because I use air quotes does not mean the rules have changed.

Nor am I allowed to call him a wigga.

Blaise Zabini is not my 'brotha from anotha motha'. I am not allowed to call him that.

Nor am I allowed to call Draco Malfoy my 'sista from anotha mista'.

Even if I do suspect he's a girl.

"Like a cow in the springtime" is not an acceptable phrase to use in my essay. I may not do so.

I am not allowed to smack others with my wand. For whatever reason – if I have a problem with somebody, I must go to a teacher.

Professor McGonagall is not my "bitch".

Just because she morphs into a female animal does not make her my "bitch".

Nor is she my "home gurl".

I am not allowed to refer to my brother as my 'clone'.

He is not my 'bookend' either.

Nor is Ron, Percy's 'mini-me'.

I am not the Easter Bunny.

I am not allowed to tell people I am the Easter Bunny.

Just because I dress up in a rabbit costume, it does not mean I'm the Easter Bunny; it means I'm weird.

I may not 'frolic' to class.

I may not sell Hermione's homework for profit.

I may not attempt to breed House Elves.

31- Nor may I attempt to buy their children.

32- I may not refer to Slytherins as "Children of the Korn".

33- I am not allowed to call Harry "Scarface".

34- Nor am I allowed to call him "Pothead".

35- I am not allowed to ask First Years if they need help 'polishing their wand'. No matter how funny their reactions are.

36- I may not perform last rights on Harry as he sleeps.

37- I am not blind; I may not tell people I am.

38- Nor is my brother dead. I may not tell them that either.

39- The portrait of the Fat Lady is not called 'Piggy'. I may not call her that. Nor may I encourage her to diet.

40- I may not attempt to poke Nearly Headless Nick. No matter how fun it is.

41- I may not initiate an Inter-House Bunking Day.

42- I may not go to class in the Girl's uniform.

43- No matter how 'breezy' I think the skirt is.

44- Hagrid is not going to eat me.

45- I am not "emo". I may not act like I am.

46- I am not allowed to refer to Dumbledore as "pops".

47- I am not a mutated bullfrog. I must remember this.

48- There is no such thing as the 'Ugly Disease'. I may not tell people that they have it.

49- I am not allowed to randomly point at people and shriek.

50- Nor am I allowed to claim that 'their face burns my eyes'.

51- Mike Rotch has heard every possible joke about his name; I may not repeat them.

52- No, that was not a challenge.

53- Building a giant model of the moon made entirely of cheese is not an acceptable extra-credit assignment.

54- I may not refer to Peeves as "Peewee".

55- Nor am I allowed to call him Caspar; his name is _Peeves_.

56- I may not question Ernie as to where 'Bert' is.

57- I am not allowed to ask Hermione why she has a squirrel on her head.

58- That is her hair; I must leave it alone.

59- I am not allowed to lick people just for the fun of it.

60- Nor am I allowed to bite them. It is unsanitary.

61- My father is not Micheal Jackson.

62- Neither is my mother.

63- I may not tell Professor Snape that I think he's sexy.

64- Nor may I tell him that I want to have his babies.

65- I may not repeat that to any member of staff. I must remember that I'm male – it's genetically impossible for me to have anyone's babies.

66- No, that was not a challenge.

67- I am not Merlin.

68- Just because I have a shiny hat does not make me Merlin.

69- No one cares about the fact that I think I'm Merlin.

70- I must get over my obsession of spoons.

71- Millicent Bulstrode is not a man; I may not tell her she looks like one.

72- I may not tell people that if they anger me I will eat their first born child.

73- I may not steal Professor Trelawny's glasses just because I like them.

74- I may, however, tell her that they please me.

75- Draco Malfoy is not a vampire. I am not allowed to "stake" him.

76- I am not allowed to form Satanic cults simply because I'm bored.

77- I may not step on the head's of First Years due to the fact that they're shorter than I am.

78- I am not allowed to "inform" people that they have cancer and will promptly die in four days.

79- I may not answer "Yo Momma" when Professor McGonagall asks me if I'm paying attention in class.

80- I may not attempt to bribe Professor Sprout. Especially with leftover vegetables from last night's dinner.

81- I may not publicly accuse Madame Pomfrey of 'sampling' the medication.

82- Nor may I offer to join her.

83- Voldemort is not my uncle.

84- Nor has he ever been.

85- I am not allowed to 'stalk' the First Years.

86- Nor am I allowed to 'hunt' them.

87- Salazar Slytherin is not my 'bitch'.

88- In fact, I have no bitch.

89- Hugging the wrong end of a Blast Ended Skrewt is a bad idea. I may not do so.

90- Ron is not Hermione's pimp. I may not tell everyone that he is.

91- Nor am I her pimp.

92- I may not attempt to 'convert' the Hufflepuffs.

93- I am not allowed to tell everyone that Malfoy blows Snape on a nightly basis.

94- It is not my 'duty' to inform the staff of the large bag of weed under Goyle's bed.

95- Especially if it turns out to be regular cut grass.

96- I may not attempt to cut Snape's hair.

97- Nor am I allowed to sell it.

98- Eating a bar of chocolate that weighs more than I do is a bad idea. I may not do so.

99- I may not burst into tears every time someone smiles at me.

100- I am not allowed to randomly develop an accent and switch them at will.

101- The Centaurs are free-thinking creatures; I may not attempt to "tame" them.

102- Nor am I allowed to attempt to breed them.

103- I am not allowed to draw naughty stick figures on the wall as the teacher turns around.

104- Nor am I allowed to openly mock her reaction.

105- I may not dye my skin blue.

106- Professor Dumbledore is not a woman in disguise; I may not tell everyone that he is.

107- I may not steal the bludgers and release them during Potions class.

108- I am not allowed to sign Lucius Malfoy up to be a 'playmate'. Nor am I allowed to laugh when he gets accepted.

109- I may not tell Ron that Hermione is a lesbian just to see what he does.

110- I am not allowed to inform Remus that his last name rhymes with "poopin'".

111- I may not claim to be the next Dark Lord.

112- Nor may I claim to be "Hogwarts' Queen".

113- I am not allowed to steal the toilet seats in every bathroom.

114- Nor am I allowed to sell them.

115- I am not offer to cook people's owls.

116- Trevor is not food.

117- I am not allowed to strip dance for extra credit.

118- I may not steal everyone's left shoe.

119- Nor may I steal their right ones.

120- I may not steal Collin's camera and use it to take nude pictures of myself.

121- I am not allowed to try and kiss the Giant Squid.

122- I am not allowed to tell Cho that she's putting on weight nicely just to see if she'll cry.

123- I may not attempt to eat Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris.

124- Nor may I attempt to eat his pants.

125- I may not point and laugh at the Ravenclaws.

126- I am not allowed to scream "Rape! Rape!" in a public place every time Professor Snape walks by.

127- I am not allowed to jump students in dark hallways.

128- Nor am I allowed to jump professors there either. In fact, I'm not allowed to jump anyone, anywhere. Dark hallway, or not.

129- No, that was not a challenge.

130- Rita Skeeter in her animagus form will not make a good pet. I may not keep her.

131- I may not throw a wild, raucous party the day before an exam.

132- In fact, I'm not allowed to throw a party at all.

133- I may not tell Luna that she belongs in a phsyc ward. No matter how crazy I think she is.

134- I may not steal cutlery from the kitchens.

135- Nor may I attempt to steal the House Elves.

136- Fawkes is not food. I may not eat him.

137- I am not allowed to recite Professor McGonagall's dating history to the class.

138- Especially when I know the list is fabricated and includes several stray cats.

139-Draco Malfoy is not Harry Potter's illicit lover. I may not tell people he is.

140- Stripping during breakfast is not a great way to show Gryffindor bravery; I may not do it.

141- Nor may I do it during dinner.

142- I am not allowed to tell people that I'm "The Fredinator" and that my brother is "The Georgetor".

143- My life motto may not be "what happens in Hogwarts, stays in Hogwarts".

144- I am not allowed to take any Slytherin up on the challenge: "You wouldn't dare hex me, Weasley."

145- Not am I allowed to hex them unchallenged.

146- I may not snorkel in the prefect's bathroom.

147- I may not wonder aloud why Myrtle looks so pale today when I know she's in the room.

148- Nor may I mock the way she died.

I am not allowed to attempt to suck other people's thumbs.

I may not claim that Snape is Dumbledore's bitch. Nor may I allude to any threesome of sorts between them and Voldemort.

·I will not sing the badger song at a Slytherin and Hufflepuff game.

Revealing a giant killer snake lives downstairs is not the right way to get first years to behave.

I may not go out with the giant squid.

Nor may I kill it dispose of it in any way.

I will not sing Born This Way by Lady Gaga in class.

Also not at dinner.

I may not call my head of house my lioness.

I may not call Draco Malfoy a vampire even if he is pale with pointed teeth.


End file.
